ODE TO MY BULLIES

We are not subject entities you can shout out with different names at the corridors, we are not your half memorized vocabulary acronyms eagerly waiting to be thrown out of your mouth, we are not an exotic species to be stared at, and yes! We don’t work on your use and throw policy. We are simply humans like any other on this planet.

The series of incidences binds me to ask, what makes you so inhumane that to make fun of one’s mental illness just for the sake of entertainment, what sort of entertainment is it?

Calling people by names in the corridor, class or canteen or throwing stuff at me, again and again, all the times and faculties just standing there and telling me ridiculous shit was not FUNNY! Telling me I was just a chunk of negativity and asking me the same questions again and again just because I had different ways of sorting things for me was not FUNNY! Abusing me in a room full of familiar faces where no one actually had the courage to stood up, was indeed not FUNNY! Messing up with my practicals, projects, answer sheets above all messing up with my life was not at all FUNNY!

You know what was actually FUNNY!!

A bunch of sadist beating you up every day just because they love seeing you in pain, having an absurdly creepy teacher who is always after you and people calling you by his name, I literally was terrified of him! Funny was how your harasser were the members of Anti harassing squad. Funny was how everyone knew he was harassing all of us and we all choose to go with the flow because at the end of the day he wasn’t harassing any person in particular? Or maybe he was, right?

Sadly Thank you!

People like you make me believe that this place is shared by some antisocial, undignified and inhumane species too.

CONFESSION OF A PERSON, WHO WAS TOO AFRAID TO LOVE

 

From holding you in my arms to now holding your arm to stop you and asking you to put down that razor, “It’s gonna hurt you, please!!”.
From telling you bed time stories to now hearing every single story I skipped in the past two years and you falling asleep next to me.
From asking you to not being up online late to now staying online all night just to answer your text.
From telling you, “You’re a stupid” at daytime to now sitting next to you swirling my fingers past your hair silently apologizing for every single moment I said that.
From getting annoyed from your hugs to now showering hundreds of hugs and kisses every moment I could.
From leaving a place called home to searching it everywhere in person, in groups and finally discovering it in you.
From myself struggling with depression and self-harm to now teaching you how to shield yourself from the same.
From hiding the scars under my sleeves to now resonating with yours.
From you constantly asking me to talk to you when I was over phone texting someone important to now waiting for your text because you are most important.
From attending Behavioral therapies and sessions to now taking you to confront the same, I never thought I would be leaving my monsters behind, when I left and I knew it all started soon after that, me being one reason though.
From always fighting regularly to now confessing how much I love you that too in front of strangers, it’s easy to say it here, it’s tragic how I never said a single word to you… How much I love you.
I always wanted to say…
I wanted to say, I noticed when you changed your Instagram handle and Facebook profile name to the one I love you calling with but you always hated it. Isn’t it.!?
I wanted to say I knew you kept the spare key in my bag when I lost mine and was terrified to confront mom and dad.
I noticed how you always waited next to the line in the hospital just to see if I was fine standing in the queue for 2 hrs. Trust me those 2hrs were never that long for me.
I wanted to say…
You calling me your best friend is the best thing I ever heard and those are the purest emotions I ever witnessed, no matter how much I hate you for stealing my earphones. But the fact is I love you, NATTU.

Ohh I just forgot to tell you, that what I call my younger brother, NATTU.

SHE’S A BLACK HOLE.

“Can you please elaborate?”, he said firmly.

“Ahem… So it’s…

I mean it’s like tasting a tinge of the universe, unaware of the fact what you are holding inside. It’s like every piece of you is exploding trying to rebound gravity every single moment but the struggle always ends up inside. It’s like being a black hole where gravity is beyond measure and every helping hand is like light trying to enter to comfort you in the dark but only resulting into getting bruised by your strong gravitational field. It’s like standing at the singularity and shouting out loud to the people at the event horizon, where no one could hear your screams except you. It’s like confiding oneself into a compact mass just to eliminate tenebrific movements and your existence moulding every single atoms to rotate and revolve and then suddenly changing the trajectory only to hit something good. It’s like accepting energy from surrounding be it warm, cool, dark, latent and what not accepting all beyond your limits only to result into a cluster of energy, tied together with a few knots…ready to explode!

Being a human black hole makes you realise what fusion and fission actually feels like, how explosions feel like, how voids feel like, when all left behind are some strangled pieces, the only way left out is to search for energy. So what if, for that, you have to engulf thousands of stars… Because your very initial stage was also a Star. Who got tired of holding and absorbing everything in for too long, but every star has a finite life and when they explode they shine the brightest.

Isn’t it tragic how a dying star radiates the most! I mean why?

why someone has to consume themselves, just to brighten another galaxy? why?”, I gasped for air as I spoke.

Every single eye in the room was gazing at me, cause for the first time I was saying all of it… Whatever I knew was true.

I continued, “Wouldn’t I know how it feels like to be a neutron star, massive and radiant once, now colliding with one’s inner self only to reach the end of my life. Wouldn’t I know how it feels to exist in between a galaxy where hundreds of stars confront you every day but your presence is only felt when inferred with other matter. Wouldn’t I know the struggle of craving to fall into Syzygy but only resulting into oblivion. Wouldn’t I know how it’s like to skip every crater inside my body… Only my body still waiting for an astronaut to come and rescue me from this gigantic crater in my heart…only if s(he) could cross the astroid belt”.

“Wouldn’t I know how it feels to be a pulsar once and now shrunken down into to little measure and ending up like this… Wouldn’t I know how painful and ineffable it is…. To be a HUMAN BLACK HOLE!”

” Wrong answer!! Can you be more scientific next time?”, he said. ” Anyone else in the class would like to answer?”

 

Sadly Astronomical Science was a bit different for me.

CELESTIAL ESCAPE

I opened the door and quietly sneaked in, this place seemed familiar.
“It was a dark hallway I was passing through, deep like a Pacific, never ending hallway it is. Carrying infinite within infinite is what this hallway is all about, it gathers up your celestial masses.
Broken. Unbroken. Bruised. Ruined.
Finally Collect them all to form a kaleidoscopic pattern out of it, because beauty is all about forming art out of nothingness. This hallway lies within our self, deep down. There is only an entry to it, no escape. No exit! The transformation of celestial mass from reality to virtuality or vice verse is the only medium to travel through it”.
“But would you really like to escape?

Because this hallway itself is an escape from the reality, a celestial escape from your celestial mass. Masses that crave to lie between horizons, but for the places that only exist in your parallel universe, this hallway is a bridge to it. A bridge which is to be traveled only once.
You can see your body lying flat and filled with nothingness all around, nothingness is what holds the most…it holds your mass, celestial mass for your celestial escape. There are lives of not seen, crumbling your shell…trying to break your cocoon. Dark and perforated hallways adorned with your dark intelligence. There is a Tyndall light at one of its curve where you get exposed to the harsh reality of life.
The gate is about to open, it will open when it is supposed to…exactly when timed”. The door opened and I was back with a shock with a slight pain in my chest and heaviness in my head.
“Aaahhh…Shit!”
“Lucid dreaming sucks!!”

PORTMANTEAU NATION

Welcome to the Portmanteau Nation, where the only way to keep your identity intact is through zoomorphism. So hold on, cause you are going to encounter some species like you and me.

This place may appear a bit creepy and cumbersome at first but will surely make you love it while you scratch your head off! These may be people you know or maybe you don’t! but can surely relate if given a thought. Here, the ram is young and likes to dance not just on her beats but on the rhythm of every heart attached to her. She is young and adorned with her beautiful eyes holding secrets deep within. Here the strongest of the species i.e. Mr. Elephant is actually the most soft-hearted being but never shows up. He is that star of the kingdom who is complete enough to bind the whole constellation. Inspirational.

The Fox, chameleon, and sloth make a great company here, driving way to the new routes only they know are right. Horse, dog, and squirrel are not the trusted species here instead they back off in your maydays. Leopards and zebras don’t strive to kill each other here instead they make peace with their words and silences. Dolphins seem like dolphins but are actually something else. Nevermind!

There are no human species and if there is, they are not humane enough to be called the same. Cats are metaphors for positivity here they don’t make you divert our path instead they shout out for the confirmation this side. The butterfly seems like Phoenix and love being called phoenoctopus because she loves the octopus. Isn’t it?

Last but not the least, the goldfish indecisive with his 3sec memory but always remember to flash the light in your darkest corner whenever needed.

There are a few not mentioned, still struggling to enter the domain. Finally me an octopus trying to spread every piece of me to hold it in.

IT STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN!

 

 

 

When this inability to quill down struck hard, your micron is always your savior.

An imagery set in your mind can be portrayed with some few strokes and lines. The concept behind lowly mollusk can’t be just devised into some word and left to rest on the paper. It had to shout out loud, loud enough to be heard by all. Since the transition was the same, it would take my whole life if I start writing about it. hence, I tried illustrating it!

Which is somewhat similar. If you can portray what you feel through an illustration it directly grasps the onlooker’s attention. Personally, I feel illustrations simplify things. Illustrations are one strong mean of visual communication which connects with all.
I hope it connects with you too.

 

Lowly Mollusk it is!

I’m a cephalopod mollusk, surrounded by deep Pacific of emotions, spreading each part of my tentacle to absorb the happiness but only ending up with pain and blisters. Trying to stop these overthinking, multitasking tentacles from absorbing and observing everything.

Finally ending up gazing at the turmoils floating down the streaks only to erupt my spines, my body soft and fragile still waiting to taste the lost skeleton structure of mine. So, in order to avoid that: I swim! I swim fast in this Pacific of emotions, running past time, shattering the hour glass cause this is the only way I can manipulate time. Running straight to my closet where I can vent it out, to my places: My emotional closets!

These closets are the very place where I hide in my dark days, tangled up with chains and locks, where no one can enter without my permission and the rule states that there is no way to get an approval! Safe and secure! Hearts shackled up in my own constructed chains, shattering upon every glimpse of the reflection I hold within. Eloquently bleeding my heart out with the ink I hold inside.

And the words would be inked till eternity.

Because Lowly Mollusk it is!